lions and elephants and baboons...Oh Myyyyyy...

so, if you have never been on a safari, drop whatever it is you're doing right now (which presumably is reading this blog...so stop it) and fly to africa (specifically kenya) and immediately go on a safari...nothing extravagant, just a few days to live among the beasts, because i just returned from such a trip and needless to say it was THE GREATEST WEEK OF MY LIFE...please allow my to "break it down"...this post shall be mighty long, perhaps you should take it slowly, i apoligize...

so the evening of monday april 23 my friend stan and I headed to cairo airport to begin our kenyan safari adventure that we have had in the works for over 2 months (a quick tidbit about my travel buddy, he is awesome...self-admitted hick from texas, absolutely hilarious and perhaps the most outgoing man i have ever met...what a guy)...so our flight left late and awkwardly stan and i were 2 of 9 passengers on a 747 that has a capacity of approx. 360 people (i calculated, i can handle simple multiplication)...obviously, it was a weird experience and we were able to wreak havoc on the plane (which we didn't...however, we calculated that EgyptAir lost approx. $10,000 on this flight...seems like a poor business decision, but i'm no expert)...anyway, we arrived in nairobi at 3:30 am, got visas, found our bags and met our guide-to-be, the one and only JOSEPH (his name is deserving of all capital letters because he made experience amazing)...after killing a few hours, settling the safari bill, and purchasing some bug spray, we were off! just stan and I in a 7 passenger van with Joseph at the helm...thus the adventure begins...

so from nairobi to Masai Mara National park is about a 6 hour drive or so, which wouldn't be bad if Kenya didn't have the BUMPIEST ROADS KNOWN TO MAN...seriously, i can't even imagine how they became so bumpy...it was as if the entire kenyan population owned their own jackhammer and did their civic duty making some deep potholes before breakfast each morning, but i digress...after getting used to the bumps (which wasn't easy, i felt like i was constantly exercising by trying to stay upright and avoid hitting my head, which sucks), we were on the outskirts of the park, viewing of first animals such as gazelles and baboons, when suddenly our back left tire got stuck in a huge muddy hole, so we attempted every idea known to man to get unstuck, to no avail, for nearly 2 hours until our personal Jesus came in the form of 4 Dutch tourists on safari...they promptly pulled us to safety and we made it to camp, and headed on our first game drive...

the first drive provided enough excitement to last my elementary school-type mind a lifetime, but the excitement was nonstop...we saw the typical zebras, buffalo, and 81 million gazelles (that is an approximation) and then stumbled on a feeding CHEETAH which was sweeter than i ever imagined. so we gawked at him/her (not to be sexist) for a while, then stumbled on a herd of elephants roaming around which was equally awesome...stan and i tried to entice the elephant to charge our van (because that would be the coolest story ever) but our attempts were futile... so we ended our short first drive, but we were pumped with so much success and couldn't wait for the forthcoming 8 hour drive the next day...

the next day began with light rain that persisted most the day, which would have bothered me, but i was on A SAFARI so i didn't care...we saw the usual elephants, gazelles, a few ostriches, and some cool birds for a few hours, then we found the motherload...4 lions hanging out, 3 of which were lionesses hunting a sole gazelle and one male...the gazelle probably thought we liked gazelles a lot all of a sudden, because he couldn't see the lions, but after a while he came to understand that gazelles (typically) don't attract large crowds, and he suspected that trouble was afoot (which it was, in the form of 3 lionesses)...but he managed to escape and we were about to leave when the male lion got up...we watched as he walked toward our van and my window was open (we have this on film, just you wait!) and this huge lion strolled up to our van, literally 4 feet from me MAXIMUM and walked around the back of the van and proceeded to PEE ON OUR SAFARI VEHICLE! i'm not sure if it was his way of saying "get out of my park, i'm the king" but it was perhaps the coolest thing ever to happen to me and stan (is it sad that the "coolest thing to ever happen to me" involved a wild animal peeing on something? that's just plain ridiculous)...the rest of the day was great, although we were constantly recalling how cool it was to have a lion pee on our van...so we ended the drive after 8 amazing hours, and headed to a Masai village where we toured the town of a group of Masai (a tribe found in East Africa) and bought loads of cool wood carved stuff (originally my bill totalled nearly 80 dollars, so i had to get picky) but after thoroughly enjoying the village and engaging in their customs, we headed to camp, had some tuskers (kenyan beer) and hit the sack...

it should be noted that our guide, the amazing Joseph, made this trip unforgetable...he knew everything about every animal which was helpful...we would often ask questions to gauge the behavior of the animals like "what would happen if i ran up and stole that warthog baby from the mother?" or "what would happen if i ran up and smacked that lion right in the ass?" to which Joseph calmly replied "It would immedaitely kill you"...point taken...

anyway, we drove to Nakuru the next day, and stayed in a gorgeous hotel in the town, but stan and i were literally the ONLY white folks in the town, at least that we could tell...which certainly wasn't a problem, but it didn't exactly allow us to "blend in" like we can in cairo...but we made the best of the sleepy town by finding a pool hall and enjoying more tusker and prepping for our final safari day...

our final day was spent at lake nakuru, which was incredibly gorgeous but couldn't really compete with the urinating lion. we saw about a million flamingoes (literally), lots of giraffes, and a bunch of huge rhinos which made the experience really memorable, and overall it was a perfect way to end the unbelievable safari...so we headed back to nairobi that afternoon, bid farewell to the amazing joseph, and took nairobi by storm, and by that i mean we walked around a lot...

actually, we ate the famous Carnivore restaurant there, where we enjoyed delights such as crocidile (which i didn't like) and Ostrich (which i enjoyed thoroughly)...the meal was amazing, and we decided to hit a recommended dance club afterward, even though i hate dancing and clubs, but why not? i may never be in nairobi again...so we walk in to the club named Florida 2000 and i immediately spy 30 of the most beautiful women i have ever seen (by the way, kenyan women are drop dead gorgeous) and i was in utter shock...however, our kenyan friend we met informed us they were indeed all prostitutes, which disappointed me, but its not like i would have talked to them anyway, so the fact that they were prosititutes probably saved me from making lame excuses about why i wouldn't talk to girls...well, the drama didn't end there...being white attracts the prostitutes because they assume we have money (HUGE MISTAKE, though my newly ironed shirt exuded wealth)...but since stan told them our kenyan friend was his girlfriend, they preyed on me...and before i knew it a woman named hannah was sitting next to me, offering her services...i had to fib a little and say i had a girlfriend back home and insist i wasn't interested (although she was beautiful) and oddly enough she didn't leave but we ended up talking for over an hour...it is a funny story i know to say that i befriended a prostitute in nairobi, but it was really sad hearing her story and my eyes were certainly opened by the experience, certainly something i won't soon forget...

so we spent the next day strolling around nairobi (a city that has a terrible reputation, but is actually quite safe and neat), and we attempted to enter the national museum after walking 2 km to it, but it was closed which was a detail that EVERYONE we asked for directions failed to mention...so we had some beers, listened to some of the worst karaoke i have ever heard (a rendition o f 'my heart will go on' that can only be compared to being as bad as my dancing if you can imagine), and prepared to depart at 3 am, which went off without a hitch...again, our plane contained only 20 people which creeped me out, and i hadn't realized that daylight savings time had changed the time, so i was incredibly confused most of the morning, but we arrived safely with hundreds of pictures and amazing memories to share...

and if the aforementioned details didn't convince you to head on an african safari, perhaps my pictures can, which will be up shortly. anyway, overall the safari was an unforgettable experience of a lifetime that will go down as one of the most fun experiences ever...i do recommend that you all try it at some point, as you undoubtedly will adore it...i will leave you again with my trademark list and i bid you all farewell....

1. kenya has it made (minus the severe poverty, kenya rocks...the people are incredible, the women are gorgeous and the scenery isn't bad either)
2. flying on a huge jet at 2% capacity seems cool, but it was actually quite odd
3. the browns finally didn't make me regret being from cleveland with their draft choices, thank goodness
4. safari is acronym for Super Awesome Forage into the Amazing Reality of the Incredible (okay, that acronym attempt sucked, i admit it)
5. safari is actually a word that comes from arabic, from the word safar which means to travel (i'm such a linguist)
6. don't worry, my room mate gave me an extra stick of deodorant so i do not smell (at least i shouldn't)
7. the true heat of cairo is coming and is inescapable...god help us
8. i never want to be an adult, i wish i could just go on adventures every few weeks
9. by far the greatest souveneir i acquired in kenya was a authentic lion's claw...its def real (i can tell by the remaining flesh on it)...plus it makes me feel cool...
10. keep the family of Brenna Minor in your thoughts tonight. you may remember a few posts ago I mentioned her as the girl I had the privelege of traveling with over spring break who got in a motorcycle accident. well, while i was on safari she passed away at the age of 17. a tragic end to a terribly tragic turn of events. things like this should never happen, and the pain that her family is enduring is far beyond anything i can imagine. again, i write this blog to help myself heal through laughter, but keep the family in your thoughts.

african love

todd (aka the lion king)